i feel really good about myself all of a sudden. honestly. after today, things look a whole lot brighter. i guess all that anyone needs to be fully confident in who they are is a little push. actually, a HUGE push. the thing that did it for me was..uh. stanford university.

i was forced into going shopping with my mom and one of her friends at the stanford mall-ish thingie, and to get there you have to drive by the school. and i look at the dorms, and suddenly i just feel..complete. like i was looking at the future. and then as if on cue, my poor mom starts bawling. "two more years, and then you'll be gone! and off to college! and on your own...without meeeee..." and so then for ONCE in my whole LIFE i don't cry along with her. which is like, monumental. and it ends up just being this nice moment in the car with my mother. not earth shattering. there was no thunder, and no mystical theme music. just me, realizing what i want to do with the rest of my biancaness. and somehow, that's enough for me to see past everything else.

and then i get home, and i go online, and i suppose now i'm trying to spread the gospel in a way. like, i forced myself to try to help a nutang friend in an unconventional, semi-mean way. and i'm typing out this entry in the hopes that maybe other people won't feel so bad about themselves. i know that maybe you'll read this and think, "dear God, what kind of odd pathetic loser have i stumbled upon?" but maybe you won't. maybe i'll be your cure.

ooo
ooo i want a suprize!! lolz` nice site btw
» [*d0rkstuhr*] on 2004-05-17 12:54:29

YES.
breathing is ALWAYS good. well.. except if you're at the bottom of a pool, river, lake -any- body of standing water.... breathing wouldnt be good then. anyways. yes, NICE site! :) <3
» marli_marinates on 2004-05-17 01:51:50

I don't think I could call you a loser
no matter how hard I try. If you can figure out something to inspire you in life, it's clearly a sign of... well... whatever word you'd like to indicate not being a loser with. But, as for feeling bad about myself, I'll be doing that for a long time after screwing up my chances with someone. Hope you keep your happy attitude. ^.^
» desertsnowstorm on 2004-05-17 02:21:35

little push , a huge push works. lol
» xcutthroatkissx on 2004-05-17 09:24:08

Haha, sorry about not saying it
Tis Emerald... though you probably don't know her. I still have a little, tiny crush on Lauren, though it's not anywhere near the magnitude of the one on Emerald. ^.^
» desertsnowstorm on 2004-05-18 01:43:21

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